As a dating coach, I hear it all the time: “Just be yourself.”
It’s dished out by well-meaning friends, family, and even Hollywood rom-coms as the ultimate shortcut to success in dating and life. The advice sounds nice, doesn’t it?
No need to try too hard, no need to change. Just show up, and the world will magically fall at your feet.
But when it comes to dating — especially if you’re struggling, confused, or frustrated —
“Be yourself” might be the single worst advice you could follow.
Let’s be real. If “being yourself” was working, you wouldn’t be asking for dating advice in the first place.
And I say that with love. Because I used to believe it too.
But let me tell you something—this is some of the worst advice a man can follow. A man is known for the value he provides and the energy he brings to the table.
Let me explain why be yourself is bad advice:
Here’s why:
1. It’s an Excuse to Stay Comfortable
Let’s be real: when people say, “Just be yourself,” what they often mean is, Don’t bother trying to grow or change.
For men in the current dating world, this advice can turn into a permission slip to avoid doing the hard work of improving.
- Do you have bad habits? Just be yourself.
- Struggle to hold a conversation? Just be yourself.
- Fear rejection? Just be yourself.
But growth only happens outside your comfort zone. If you’re stuck repeating patterns that don’t serve you, clinging to who you are right now won’t magically solve the problem. In order to become a man that women chase, you need to get out of your comfort zone and do things that add value and make you a better person.
This one’s harsh but true.
“Be yourself” often becomes code for:
“Don’t risk rejection.”
“Don’t take responsibility for your social blind spots.”
“Don’t make anyone uncomfortable, especially not yourself.”
So you sit. You hope. You resent the world for not picking you.
“I’m a nice guy. Why don’t they like me?” “I’m just being real. Isn’t that enough?”
No. Not if “real” means socially anxious, emotionally unavailable, or boring.
Women don’t want you to be just yourself.
They want you to be your most alive, magnetic, grounded, expressed self — the version of you that chooses to show up with courage.
The truth is, the most confident, successful men you see? They didn’t settle for being themselves. They invested in becoming better versions of themselves.
2. “Yourself” Is a Moving Target
Here’s the thing: yourself isn’t a fixed state. You’re not the same person you were at 16—or at least, I hope not. We’re all works in progress.
When someone says, “Just be yourself,” it assumes there’s nothing more to learn, nothing more to explore. But the best men I know are constantly evolving. They’re not satisfied with where they are; they’re excited about where they’re going.
Here’s the problem — most people aren’t “themselves.”
They’re a reactive mix of habits, fears, coping mechanisms, and unconscious beliefs they’ve picked up over the years.
“Just be yourself” is only useful if you’ve actually done the work to know who that is.
Are you being your authentic self, or are you being the default self you constructed from middle school trauma, social anxiety, parental patterns, and Instagram feedback loops?
Big difference.
Like the most successful people I know, they have a full transformation every 6 months, and I see them. They are suddenly in very good shape, looking amazing, building new businesses, taking risks, and learning new skills.
If you settle for just being yourself, you risk losing out on life. And stagnation, especially in your personal life, is a surefire way to miss out on opportunities for success, and women, both.
3. Charm and Confidence Are Learned, Not Given
Imagine walking into a room with zero skills, zero awareness, and zero effort. Is that what just being yourself looks like?
“Be yourself” subtly implies that trying to improve is “fake.”
You dress better? You’re trying too hard.
You learn to flirt? You’re being manipulative.
You practice confidence? You’re a fraud.
No. You’re evolving.
Imagine telling someone at the gym:
“Don’t train. Just walk in as you are. Be yourself.”
That’s insane. But we do it in dating.
Real growth in dating involves practice, failure, feedback, and sometimes acting in ways that feel new or even uncomfortable at first. That’s not fake. That’s training.
Let me tell you a secret: the men who seem effortlessly charming and confident didn’t wake up that way. They put in the work. They learned how to listen, how to communicate, how to project confidence, they learned how to be confident and charming.
These are skills—skills you can develop.
- Confidence? Built by taking action, failing, and trying again. Confidence comes from practice and knowing you can do something.
- Humor? Practiced through understanding timing and reading the room. Also through practice. Once you learn how to be creative and funny. You automatically become humorous.
- Emotional intelligence? Grown by paying attention to others and adjusting your approach. You learn to understand people better. Understand how they want to be treated and perceived.
Being “authentic” doesn’t mean skipping the effort or not learning the skills. It means showing up as the best version of yourself, not the default version.
4. Women Don’t Want a Default Version of You
Here’s the tough love part: women aren’t looking for the unpolished, unprepared version of you. They’re looking for someone who’s put thought and effort into who they are. Someone whom they can bet on for success. Think of women like talent scouts, they are looking for the diamond in the rough with the potential to shine.
It does mean you should focus on:
- Improving your communication skills.
- Dressing well and taking care of your appearance.
- Building confidence through action, not hope.
- Build a life that women want to be a part of
When you put in the work to grow, you’re not abandoning authenticity. You’re enhancing it and becoming the best version of yourself.
5. The World Rewards Effort, Not Complacency
Let’s step outside the dating world for a second. Imagine showing up to a job interview and saying, “I didn’t prepare because I’m just being myself.” How do you think that’s going to go?
Life doesn’t reward laziness. Whether it’s your career, your health, or your relationships, effort matters.
Dating is no different. If you want to attract someone incredible, you need to become the kind of man they’re excited to be around. That takes effort and intention.
6. A Better Alternative: Be Intentional
So, if “just be yourself” is bad advice, what should you do instead?
Here’s my take:
Be intentional.
- Be intentional about how you present yourself.
- Be intentional about how you treat others.
- Be intentional about who you want to become.
Don’t just “be yourself.”
Become your best self — then bring that guy to the date.
The one who:
- Took time to heal his emotional wounds.
- Learned how to flirt, tease, and build tension.
- Developed a style that expresses his personality.
- Has passion, purpose, and presence.
- Knows how to make people feel seen and safe.
This isn’t about faking it or putting on a mask. It’s about showing up as the version of yourself that aligns with your goals and values. You need to become a man women pursue. You need to become the best version of yourself.
How to Start Becoming Your Best Self
If you’re ready to ditch the “just be yourself” mindset and start growing, here are a few actionable steps:
- Work on Your Communication Skills
- Practice asking open-ended questions.
- Learn to actively listen.
- Get mentors and coaches
- Focus on Your Appearance
- Wear clothes that fit and make you feel confident.
- Maintain good grooming habits—it’s not superficial; it’s respectful.
- Build Confidence Through Action
- Take small risks daily, whether it’s starting a conversation or trying something new.
- Learn from failure instead of fearing it.
- Invest in Emotional Intelligence
- Pay attention to how others feel and respond thoughtfully.
- Reflect on your own emotions and triggers.
- Take care of your health & Fitness
Final Thoughts: Growth Is the Ultimate Attraction
The next time someone tells you to “just be yourself,” smile politely and ignore it. You’re not a static person, locked into one version of yourself forever. You’re dynamic and capable of growth and transformation.
Becoming the man you want to be isn’t about abandoning yourself. It’s about building yourself. It’s about aligning your actions, habits, and mindset with the life you want to live and the relationships you want to create.
So don’t settle for the comfort of “just being yourself.” Step into the challenge of becoming your best self. That’s where true confidence—and true connection—live.
And trust me, the results are worth it.